I’ve known since my early 20s that I wanted to be a mother. Of course, as a girl, you grow up with that idea embedded in your daily life, but it wasn’t until 22 or 23 until I actually believed it on my own. The desire for children slowly started to develop, but it always felt so far off and not quite real.
But then things fell into place. I met Todd, we fell in love, after a couple of years we got engaged, and a year or so after that we got married. It wasn’t until three years later that we felt the time was right to try for a baby. We were fortunate in that it didn’t take us too long to find out that we were pregnant. In October of 2011 we brought a 10-pound flower into the world: our Iris.
Suddenly, there we were.
Parents.
We were one of the first couples in our local circle of friends to have a child. We felt like pioneers and ambassadors to this brand new, sleep-deprived, love-filled world. Sure it was rough (like, really rough) that first year, but damn was it worth it about a million times over and we told anyone about it that would listen. The privilege of being Iris’ mother is the single best thing that has ever happened to me.
So, naturally we will do it all over again, right?
Well, probably not. The truth is that it’s fairly likely that Iris will continue to be an only child. Of course, anything could happen, but as of now this is how it looks.
– The Desire: I just don’t have the desire like I did with Iris and Todd feels the same way. Perhaps one day we’ll wake up with that urge again, a feeling of need for another, but I have such a feeling of content with our little family unit. There is something so simple and sweet that I love about Todd, Iris, and myself as a team. Maybe this will change, but I simply do not feel like we’re missing anything right now.
– Time: I turn 35 in just a few weeks. I realize that science has come a long way, but if that urge doesn’t come in a certain amount of time, then my age will eventually make the final decision for me. My only fear here is that I’ll change my mind and then it might too late.
– The What Ifs: I do worry about what if something happens to Iris. How in the world will I go on without a child in my life? I read an article a while back about the decision to have an only child and they referenced the need for a “back-up.” Basically, something else to live for if (heaven forbid) something were to happen… But such big decisions can’t be made based on fear. Worry is just a way of life for a parent, so it will be there with or without another child.
– The Only Child Syndrome: This is one that we actually don’t worry about even though this gets brought up the most. It’s our job as parents to make sure that Iris is the best person she can be regardless of if she has siblings or not. I feel like there is enough going on in our lives (different hobbies and projects) so that all of our attention isn’t always on Iris. Plus, so far we’re just not concerned about not giving Iris a sibling. I have two half-sisters, a half-brother, and a step-sister. I’m very far apart in age from all of them, so some of my most formative years were spent as the only child in my home, which I actually quite liked. I also strongly believe that friends can be just as close, valuable, and loved as family members. Not to mention that there are no guarantees that if I did have another that they will have this incredible bond just because they share the same goofball parents.
– Finances: To be honest, starting from scratch with a new one sounds just sounds… expensive. Since Iris was born in October, she won’t be starting kindergarten until she’s almost six years old. This means that we have two more years of paying for daycare. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to rush this young age. I want to hold onto, cuddle with, and roll around with these precious years forever. BUT, what I will not miss is the monthly daycare tuition. Sure there will be after-school, summer school, field trips, sports, and other expenses, but I’m willing to bet that they will not cost nearly as much as our mortgage like her school currently does. I’m so thankful that we’ve been able to send Iris to a great Montessori school since she was eight months old. If we had another and wanted to do the same, we would have to start sacrificing things that we all love (and things that Iris is finally old enough to appreciate), like trips to the beach and dance lessons. That sacrifice seems well worth it to tons of families, but when your desire for another kid isn’t there to start with, the idea of another seems daunting.
I certainly realize that my outlook here is in the minority. After all, people rarely ask if you want a “kid” – it’s always do you want “kids” plural, but for now at least one just feels right. We have plenty of friends with more than one, which gives us the best of both worlds.
As of now Iris seems okay with it too. Recently we were playing house – she was the mommy and interestingly, I was the sister (even though there were no other siblings). Not having any siblings to play with, I find it’s often my job to play pretend alongside my one and only. This session though, I casually asked Iris, “do you wish you had a sister?” She looked at me and answered with an honest, “No, I’m fine.” Even though she’s only a few years old, this helped me feel better about my stance on the subject because, I’m fine too. We all are. And we’ll continue to be no matter how the cards fall.
