Category : Words

Okay, so this might not be a post for everyone, but I felt compelled to write it nonetheless.

As a full-time working mom, I knew I had an uphill battle to continue breastfeeding once my maternity leave was over. I was determined to keep going, even though Iris was in daycare while I was in the office. My goal was always to make it six months, and thanks to my accommodating workplace, I reached my goal. It was an interesting journey though – and not at all how I expected.

When Iris was about four weeks, I started pumping and storing a supply of frozen breastmilk. At one point our freezer was literally full, as I became obsessed with making sure she would have enough once she started daycare. Thanks to my healthy supply, she was exclusively breastfed until three months old and at the three month mark, she had her first taste of formula. I was hesitant to give it to her, but once she sucked the bottle dry, I instantly felt relief. Relief knowing that if something were to happen and I couldn’t continue breastfeeding, she would be okay. It took the pressure off, which actually helped with the stressful demand of breastfeeding my hungry girl. From there, we occasionally gave her a bottle of formula at night, so that hopefully it would “stick” with her longer (at this point she was still only sleeping about 2 hours at a time). Truthfully that didn’t help at all, but it was nice to have my husband take some of the feedings. I must add that having the husband take over didn’t mean I got any extra sleep. The key was to pump whenever she took a bottle so that my supply wouldn’t change. So even when Todd fed her, I still made myself wake up and pump.

During Iris’ first month of daycare, I continued to breastfeed at night and on weekends. However, when she was about four months old things started to change. My theory is that Iris got so used to the instant gratification of the bottled breastmilk during the day, that she was too impatient to feed from me at night. It became a struggle, not a comfort for her. I finally came to terms with the fact that it was okay if she preferred a bottle. I could still provide that for her.

The most important thing was that she was getting breastmilk
– not how she was getting it.

So there I was, nearing six months since giving birth and I was doing something that I never understood before I had a baby – not breastfeeding technically, but still pumping thanks to my Medela Pump In Style Advanced. When people asked if I was breastfeeding, I honestly didn’t know how to respond. When I would say yes, they often talked about the bonding experience. While I certainly had that for a while, a big part of that was gone. When I said no, they assumed she was formula fed only. And when I tried to explain, I would get confused “hey-I-didn’t-need-to-hear-all-of-that” looks.

Pumping had just about taken over my life. When I got close to the six month mark, I finally stopped pumping during the night, but I still lugged my equipment with me to work and out of town when I traveled. It was the last thing I did before I went to sleep and the first thing I did when I woke up. Thankfully, I have my own office (and understanding co-workers), so I could just shut my door during the day and do my thing. At home, if I wasn’t pumping, I was busy washing all the bottles and parts. It certainly was a lot of work and during most of it, I was missing my favorite part – the bonding time with my baby. However there were other perks too. It was much easier to measure how much she was eating, plus the price of formula alone was enough to inspire me to keep going.

My everyday haul.

While the journey wasn’t an easy one on me, I was grateful that my circumstances allowed me to continue longer than a lot of other moms are able. Some moms don’t have jobs with an environment to continue and some moms find that they can’t breastfeed at all. I felt that I shouldn’t waste my opportunity to give my baby the benefits of breastmilk simply because it took some work. Believe me, there were more days than not, that I just wanted to stop and have my life back. No more thinking about my coffee intake or timing it just right so that I could have a beer. On the other end of the spectrum, six months might not seem like a long time for some mothers. But for my personal situation I feel comfortable in knowing that six months is a happy medium for both working momma and healthy baby.

I must say, that this experience was truly one of my first big lessons of how motherhood doesn’t always go as planned.

One of many, I’m sure…